It’s all well and good recommending things to people, but most of the time they won’t take any notice. I don’t take much notice of recommendations given to me, not because I’m an aloof culture snob, but because I just don’t remember them. Even if I am actually given something to watch / listen to / read, it can take a while for me to get round to it. This week I finally got around to watching the copy of Doctor Zhivago that Grandma leant to me a month or two ago. Even though I just had to put it in the DVD player, sit down, and watch, it felt like it took a concerted effort to do so. When it comes to recommendations, there’s nothing quite as effective as being able to tell someone how good a song is and then hit play and make them listen to it. What I’m trying to say is: I miss presenting a radio show.
I am now living in a different city to my former co-presenter, and the only slots currently available at DemonFM are the coveted 2AM-4AM slots. Instead, I am going to have to write a radio show.
‘STINGRAY’ INTRO MUSIC: “We are about to launch a text-based radio show, with Matt & James. Featuring Youtube links, fake chat, and equal senses of insanity, surrealism, and boredom.”
James: The time is whatever time you happen to be reading this at, I’m James-
Matt: -and I’m Matt-
J: -and we’ve got loads of fun stuff coming up for you over the next few paragraphs.
M: Yes we have, we’ve got regular features such as ‘The Miserable Thought For The Week’ and ‘The James Blunt Lyric Competition’ but first, here are Radiohead with Myxomatosis:
J: That was Myxomatosis by Radiohead, that was one of your choices, wasn’t it Matt?
M: Yes James, seeing as I am the one writing this radio show, all the music is actually chosen by me.
J: That’s not very fair really Matt.
M: Don’t worry, I’ll make it look like you’re picking some of the songs, I’ve got a pretty good knowledge of your music taste so it shouldn’t be too difficult. But remember, it’s always actually me who’s picking them.
J: All right dickhead, you like being in charge don’t you?
M: I would like to apologise for that profanity from my co-presenter, he’s very unprofessional, but he didn’t intend to cause any offense.
J: We’re not on the radio anymore, you need to let go. There’s no Ofcom, no one cares about me calling you a dickhead. Anyway, you’re the one who made me swear, you jeb-end.
M: I think we should move on, you’ve picked this next track, haven’t you James?
J: Yes, this is Marks To Prove It by The Maccabees.
MATT AND JAMES TEXT-BASED RADIO SHOW JINGLE: “Matt & James, inclusive of the deaf”
M: That was the Maccabees with Marks To Prove It followed by What A Waster by The Libertines.
J: We’ve had a tweet in from Craig, he seems to be very angry about the language used in that second song. I didn’t think I even noticed any swearing.
M: I believe that Pete and Carl call someone as a ‘two-bob cunt’, referring to the song’s subject’s tendency to turn to prostitution in order to fund a heroin addiction.
J: You’re really embracing not having Ofcom then?
J: Should we talk about the occult then?
M: Definitely. For the readers at home, Ofcom don’t let you talk about the occult on the radio.
J: So, what do you have to say about the occult then?
M: It’s, um, it’s quite odd.
J: Yeah, I agree with that.
M: Let’s play some more songs with swears in that we were never allowed to play on the radio.
J: Ok, here’s Scroobius Pip with Introdiction.
MATT AND JAMES TEXT-BASED RADIO SHOW JINGLE: “Matt & James, now in colour. Well, it’s mainly black and white text, but the language is quite colourful.
M: Welcome back, this is Matt and James’s Text-Based Radio Show, you just heard Scroobius Pip with Introdiction followed by Ben Folds with his cover of Dr Dre’s Bitches Ain’t Shit.
J: And now it’s time for the James Blunt lyric competition.
M: Yes, it’s our regular feature in which we sneakily slip a lyric from the wonderful James Blunt into normal conversation and the first person to notice it and tweet in will get to pick a James Blunt song for us to play on the show next time.
J: Yes, so read on very closely. Here’s James Blunt with Postcards:
MATT AND JAMES TEXT-BASED RADIO SHOW JINGLE: “Matt & James: medium straddlers. Medium as in different types of media, we are not Mystic Meg fetishists”
M: How long do you think we’ve done so far?
J: It depends on how quickly people read it.
M: True, we should probably aim for about two hours’ worth of content though, just to make it like a proper show.
J: But don’t you think this joke’s wearing a bit thin?
M: I think the joke is long dead. We’ve been to the funeral and everything. Perhaps we should just end on a Miserable Thought For The Week.
J: But no one’s won the James Blunt Lyric Competition yet.
M: That’s because they can’t. Unfortunately it just doesn’t work in this format.
J: Ok then.
M: Here’s my miserable thought for the week: no one will have managed to read this far. And my miserable song to end the show on is:
Recommendations in brief:
I have recommended the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to James and Jenni because it is excellent. Jim Carrey is charmingly pathetic in a straight role as Joel, the dream sequences are innovative and beautiful, the soundtrack is full of great music, and it’s kooky without being gratuitously quirky.
I recommended the ‘Split Brain’ episode of the podcast Love + Radio to Olivia. It’s about a brain scientist who had a stroke reflecting on the experience she’s been through. It’s a fascinating story and, as with all of Love + Radio, presented in a unique way.